Hello out there! It has been a few weeks since I've posted; life has been very busy lately! Teenagers can put a big dent in your free time, but it's all good! Prom with a first formal date, a dance recital and an eight year trophy, car shopping, concerts - all celebrations of various types of life's stages and accomplishments. So many new beginnings in her young life and I marvel in watching my daughter morph into a young woman. My first born, and only child is growing up.
As she develops and leaves home more and more independently, I have to gracefully embrace her strengths and encourage flight. Fortunately, this is not so difficult, because my daughter is very smart and socially mature for her age. Still, as a parent, there is worry and stress with this process. I try to contain this and let her go uncontaminated by my fears. I now know the "animal" courage of the mother bird.
Simultaneously, I am letting go of my second born "child" - my Psyche's Journey publication. This is probably as hard, if not harder than letting go of my biological child. My first child will always be able to come home to visit, speak to me, she will live on - my second will no longer be part of my life as a growing, developing entity. As I write this, I realize, Psyche's Journey will live on inside me, and there are memories visible all around me as well. But perhaps, she did not develop and mature in the way I had hoped for her, and there is grief, and even a sense of failure in that realization.
I have been more consciously processing this for 6 months or so now, recognizing all the stages of grief that Kubler-Ross identified decades ago. First there was the denial for the last 18 months trying to keep this project alive when it was clear there was little hope in this economy. Anger at the crooks on Wall Street, the Bernie Madoff types, and the CEO's, bank execs and even a few individuals that I looked to for help, that did not come forward. Bargaining began when I began thinking I could shift to an online format and continue on. Then depression set in, realizing I didn't even have the energy to continue this project - feeling dismal and wanting to just disappear. Finally, acceptance is beginning to take hold and there is huge relief in beginning to go public with my decision to conclude Psyche's Journey. I don't know what the future will hold, and that's okay. I trust my decision, and also trust that something new will arise from these ashes!
Have you ever had to decide to discontinue a beloved project? Please let me know your process!