Hello out there! It has been a few weeks since I've posted; life has been very busy lately! Teenagers can put a big dent in your free time, but it's all good! Prom with a first formal date, a dance recital and an eight year trophy, car shopping, concerts - all celebrations of various types of life's stages and accomplishments. So many new beginnings in her young life and I marvel in watching my daughter morph into a young woman. My first born, and only child is growing up.
As she develops and leaves home more and more independently, I have to gracefully embrace her strengths and encourage flight. Fortunately, this is not so difficult, because my daughter is very smart and socially mature for her age. Still, as a parent, there is worry and stress with this process. I try to contain this and let her go uncontaminated by my fears. I now know the "animal" courage of the mother bird.
Simultaneously, I am letting go of my second born "child" - my Psyche's Journey publication. This is probably as hard, if not harder than letting go of my biological child. My first child will always be able to come home to visit, speak to me, she will live on - my second will no longer be part of my life as a growing, developing entity. As I write this, I realize, Psyche's Journey will live on inside me, and there are memories visible all around me as well. But perhaps, she did not develop and mature in the way I had hoped for her, and there is grief, and even a sense of failure in that realization.
I have been more consciously processing this for 6 months or so now, recognizing all the stages of grief that Kubler-Ross identified decades ago. First there was the denial for the last 18 months trying to keep this project alive when it was clear there was little hope in this economy. Anger at the crooks on Wall Street, the Bernie Madoff types, and the CEO's, bank execs and even a few individuals that I looked to for help, that did not come forward. Bargaining began when I began thinking I could shift to an online format and continue on. Then depression set in, realizing I didn't even have the energy to continue this project - feeling dismal and wanting to just disappear. Finally, acceptance is beginning to take hold and there is huge relief in beginning to go public with my decision to conclude Psyche's Journey. I don't know what the future will hold, and that's okay. I trust my decision, and also trust that something new will arise from these ashes!
Have you ever had to decide to discontinue a beloved project? Please let me know your process!
Dorica,
ReplyDeleteReading this post has really touched me. Reading this post, I felt uncomfortable-->because I didn't know quite what to write.
And I thank-you for sharing with us your story.
I think, to some degree, especially artists have had to abandon a much loved project at some time. I think if it is meant to be, a new way to bring it into creation will emerge. If its not meant to be, then we must let go and allow the space for something new to form. And maybe that is a new lease on this project.
I had to give on on several projects that were dear to me, but there was always something in the wing waiting for me. I like to think of it as graduating to my next big challenges.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes to you and your endeavors.
I say, "Never…say Never." Ever since I was a little girl I have had a pen and pad in my hand. I started writing poems, haiku's, and short stories from a very young age. In 1981, I first became a published author when I sold my first writing to a magazine. The day my check and the magazine arrived in the mail, I was ecstatic to say the least. It was like waiting for that very special gift your whole life and you finally received it. It is definitely one of my most fond, remembered memories. In amongst it all, I had a second child, and raising a family was my life. My dream of being a published book author took back seat to my writing for almost thirty years. It wasn't until 2007, after my mother's death, that I started writing again. Fate, I believe because I was going through her cedar chest when I found a very thick envelope, it was yellowed, with coffee stains on the outside of it; but I knew as soon as I picked it up what was inside- 27 years earlier I'd written two manuscripts and sent a copy to my mother for safe keeping. I opened that old envelope up, and started reading my written words and thought "Wow, I wrote this?" It took finding the manuscripts that she kept for me all those years that got my pen back in my hand!!!
ReplyDeleteI would say hold on to your second love, because in the future it may flourish more passionately than ever before...
All the Best to you,
~Virginia Wright
I don't think I've ever tossed out a MS. I've certainly shifted them to a flash drive/hardcopy etc and forgotten about them ... but, you never know when they might find a new incarnation.
ReplyDeleteDorica,
ReplyDeleteYes, there are times to let go. But I can't help but see there is too much heart in this project for you to just abandon it. I wonder, are you really and truly ready to leave it? Or are you holding on too tightly? Are you not adapting? Are you controlling? Are you stuck on what you want it to be other than letting it grow? Is this just the first hurdle? Sometimes when we hit that first resistance it seems like the end.
I'd consider this:
1. What has been the feedback on Pysche's Journey? If the feedback is in line with your vision of it, I'd truly re-consider abandoning it.
2. What does it need-very specifically- to continue on?
A web presence is good for many things but maybe that isn't the direction to go. Maybe a community blog would be better and still have the magazine in print.
3.Who do you need to help you? What roles do you need people to play? What skill levels and talents do you need?
A) You have posted this on an authors blog. Straight off, that is 258 people who love the written world. I bet they all have connections with editors and creatives.
B) Do you need help with the day to day operation? Have you considered contacting a highschool or college and seeing the possibility of an intern? Unpaid internships on a magazine, isn't a far-fetched idea.
4. From reading Pysche's Journey, I simply do not believe that you can let this go without another fight. Do you need a further reach? Do you need more readers, more connections? How can you obtain those? Have you asked everyone for their help?
5. Maybe, just maybe, this is something that is telling you actually let go. Not of Psyche's Journey but of the detailed way in which you see it. Because if you can do that, maybe it will grow. I can see you putting on conferences on the themes of Psyche's Journey as an example.
Do not give up, just because you have hit a wall and furthermore, please don't convince yourself it is the right thing to do unless you have explored every single possibility and more. Its hard, but I know you can do it if there is even a flicker in you that wants to see it succeed.
A dear friend and reader.
Wow - such a wealth of support, great suggestions and very real understanding. Thank you all. I will take each one of your comments in and hold for a while. I agree with many of you, who say something else is waiting... maybe another version of Psyche's Journey - maybe something entirely new. It is so interesting that the artists (you all) see this so differently than many people in my outer life who see it practically and primarily about the money - which I am forced to face because I'm out of money! Artists, like me, are not always seeing from that perspective. It is difficult to marry the two! Anonymous - love your comments and I thank you for taking so much time to send your ideas. I'm sure you are a dear friend. I am listening. There has been so much heart in Psyche's Journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much to each one of you for taking the time to respond. xoxo Dorica
If you have further thoughts, and would like to send them privately - I'm attaching my email address.
ReplyDeleteLove and gratitude to all!
oops - thought is came up automatically - here it is: dnevin313@comcast.net
ReplyDelete